My name is Eryn Swain and I am going to be working with you this semester. I am currently a junior studying marketing and writing. I have changed my majors around six times (or so) because I love to learn and it is hard for me to pigeonhole myself into one section. I think marketing and writing are the correct majors for me. After I graduate, I would love to stay in Des Moines and continue with my job at Meredith Corporation. I am from Springfield, Missouri, which is about a 5 hour drive straight south of Des Moines. I love to bake, read, write, bowl, and (of course!) sleep. Also, I have an identical twin sister who goes to Drake with me and we are practically inseparable.
As far as my writing goes, I was always told I am a decent writer. I never thought too much about it, but I knew I loved to write. If I was good, that was just icing on the cake. Once I got into college, I soon realized I am not as great of a writer as I was once told. There is still so much for me to learn but I enjoy making the mistakes that allow me to learn. I would love to hear more about you and your expectations of this semester.
Thanks,
Eryn
Hello Eryn,
My Name is Mychal Jackson (pronounced liked the singer) I'm glad to be working with you this semester. I am a sophmore and I'm new to the city. I plan attending Morehouse College in Atlanta, GA when i graduate. I also plan to pursue a medical career, hopefully a surgeon. I am from Minneapolis but Des Moines is the sixth city I've lived in and Iowa is the fifth state. I like to write fiction/fantasy stories, read, listen to music, play tennis, sleep, and hanging out with friends.
When it comes to writing, I've been told i have great ideas but very few people have read any of my stories. I have never thought of myself as a good writer, but I like to think i have potential. I know that compared to a college student my skills would be mediocre. I hope that with the type of papers i will be writing this semester it will help me become a better writer and story teller.
Thanks,
Mychal
Mychal,
Awesome name. You seem to have many aspirations and I admire you having an idea where you want to attend college. I didn't know as a sophomore. I am excited to read these good ideas of yours and I look forward to meeting you in the coming weeks. As far as mediocre work goes, don't ever think your work is mediocre. Sometimes the ideas (like you have) are everything. Don't be your own toughest critic. :)
Personal Reflection on Topic of Inquiry(posted RHS January 27 -- 171 January 29)
Mychal,
I have been looking for your post the past few days and I see you have still not posted. Are you having problems finishing your piece? Please also remember that you have something else due this Friday, the 5th. Part of my job is to read over your work and give feedback, however, I can't do that if you don't do your part. I am willing to help you as needed, but I would really appreciate you posting some work so that we can both benefit by being able to do our parts of this partnership. It is okay if you don't think your piece is "done" or if you are stuck, because I can help you get past those hurdles. I am not expecting perfect work everytime you post, but I am expecting you to post at least something on or around your due date. Otherwise, I will be of no help to you and your writing.
Thanks,
Eryn
Dear Eryn,
Don't bother reading this, i'm sorry i didn't post this but its kind of chaotic balancing all my classes and by the time i did go to post it i had to do my rough draft and totally forgot about it.
Mychal
What makes someone a lesser person than someone else? Is it class or occupation? I believe it is something else, I think its a persons mindset that makes them believe others are inferior or superior to them. This mindset is what creates inequality, and it isn't easy to deal with. If it was i wouldn't be using this as my topic of inquiry.
Inequality is the limiting reactant of progress, you can only go as far as equality will let you. I know that sounds like a negative way to think about it, but the evidence is very clear.
An example is in companies in predominantly white areas, whites are more prone to getting promotions than minorities and if you can't get a promotion then you don't have that good of a chance to make something of yourself. Some people are in the postion to remove themselves from situations like that, but so many aren't that it makes it seem amazing when someone does get out of it. But everyone loves a good success story.
Most people have the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mentality about inequality, which is a great way to view it. There are a few exceptions though, certain things that can't kill you like not being able to pay bills don't make you stronger but they do weaken your mental resolve. And weakening someones mental resolve really feeds that feeling of inequality. Some people do things like that out of spite for another person, but others don't realize what they're doing until its too late. The people who do it out of spite are the kind of people i really hate.
I guess what i've been getting at this whole time is, inequality is not always a persons fault but most of the time its easy to blame someone. And blaming someone is what most people do instead of taking action. Even though taking action is the right thing to do, there usually isn't much that can be done. When there is most people don't hesitate to do what must be done. Even if what must be done may have consequences.
Rough Draft Definition (posted RHS February 3 -- 171 February 5) Dear Eryn, My teacher has told me that i can write a cause and effect essay instead (thanks for letting me know. I was a little confused at first.) Thanks
There are very few things that can cause direct hatred, but inequality between is one of those things. There are a two main causes (of the inequality or of the hatred? I guess since you say they go hand-in-hand later on it can be either or both); one being a feeling of superiority and the other being delusions (delusions=great word) of grandeur. There are many more effects unfortunantly; hate crimes, disdain and contempt among those of the minority, racism, and stereotypes. The reason i feel that this is a very important topic is because as long inequality exists so will hatred. And hatred is the starter of almost every problem in the world. The causes i have listed require a little explanation. When i say a feeling of superiority what i mean is, that people from a race that is the majority where they live usually feel superior to those in the minority because they know that they will have better opportunities (such as? I get it but I would love to hear some ideas you know of) . These feelings result in the majority doing nothing to help the minority out of trouble when neccesary. The lack of cooporation between the majority and minority could be considered another cause of inequality, but i would consider it part of a feeling of superiority. This cause is extremely easy to explain. Delusions of grandeur are a lot harder to explain. What i mean when i talk about delusions of grandeur is when people think that it doesn't matter how they treat people because they believe that they are above everyone else to the point that it is even worse than a feeling of superiority. The reason it is worse is because people who feel this way usually have something that slightly validates their raised stature. What ever they use to validate their stature never validates their behavior. (Is this race, class, etc? that you talk about later?) If they could understand that then it would reduce the inequality in the world drastically. I believe that it's much harder to combat delusions than it is to deal with feelings of superiority. The effects are much easier to talk about. The least common, but worst, effect is hate crimes. These occur when people who believe they are in power abuse their supposed power. These are much mor common in big cities like chicago. Probably the most common is a feeling of hate or contempt among minorities. An example is my friend Manvith, he was so used to people belittling him that he began to hate those people and he devolped contempt for those who were indifferent to his situation. Luckily now he has more respect for people. (What caused this respect? Did the people finally come around or did he have to forget about them?) Racism and stereotypes are the ones that I have the most experience with. My main example is when i first got to my highschool in cedar rapids everyone thought i was going to be just another dumb african american kid. Even when they saw me in advanced classes i still didn't have their respect. It caused me to try to figure out what was going on, and i realized that it was just the fact that they had only had contact with people who fit the stereotype of dumb african americans. I had hoped that they would be able to realize that some people would be the opposite of that stereotype but they had no idea that it was possible. (So they refused to believe you were not dumb?) It makes me glad that i don't go to that school anymore. There are a lot of things that can be done to combat inequality between races. Unfortunantly not many people want to do any of those things because they don't think that its a big deal. Among my friends I am one of the few who have actually tried to do something about it. The best thing to do when in a situation involving inequality is go out of your way to help those in need.(Those being bullied or discriminated against?) I think that no matter how much is done this problem will be around for a long time.
Mychal, I appreciate the long thought and depth you put into this piece. I can see just how important this subject is to you based on the strong voice you have in the essay. The notes I made were suggestions of expansion or places I found a little unclear. For instance, at the end, I would love to know more about those in "need." I am sure there are many types of people who face this inequality, but I believe you are talking about the African American race the entire time. Maybe explain that a little more? I like that you have two different levels of causes and explain them so in-depth. I feel it is important to explain the causes well so that you have a nice basis for the effects. I really think you have some great ideas in this piece. For what basis you have, I do like that you have put yourself into the piece. I think your experiences are probably the largest chunk of importance in the piece. If you have any questions, or need any help, just let me know! I think you are off to a wonderful start.
Eryn
Revision Definition (posted RHS February 10 -- 171 February 12 ) There are very few things that can cause direct hatred, but inequality between is one of those things. There are a two main causes (of the inequality or of the hatred? I guess since you say they go hand-in-hand later on it can be either or both); one being a feeling of superiority and the other being delusions of grandeur. There are many more effects unfortunantly; hate crimes, disdain and contempt among those of the minority, racism, and stereotypes. The reason i feel that this is a very important topic is because as long inequality exists so will hatred. And hatred is the starter of almost every problem in the world.
The causes i have listed require a little explanation. When i say a feeling of superiority what i mean is, that people from a race that is the majority where they live usually feel superior to those in the minority because they know that they will have better opportunities like an easier chance to get into college is a good example in my opinion. (Good. I like the example.) . These feelings result in the majority doing nothing to help the minority out of trouble when neccesary. The lack of cooporation between the majority and minority could be considered another cause of inequality, but i would consider it part of a feeling of superiority.
This cause is extremely easy to explain. Delusions of grandeur are a lot harder to explain. What i mean when i talk about delusions of grandeur is when people think that it doesn't matter how they treat people because they believe that they are above everyone else to the point that it is even worse than a feeling of superiority. The reason it is worse is because people who feel this way usually have something that slightly validates their raised stature, the most often used validators are: class or occupation. When i say occupation i mean they feel that they worked harder for their job title so what other people say or think doesn't matter. What ever they use to validate their stature never validates their behavior. If they could understand that then it would reduce the inequality in the world drastically. I believe that it's much harder to combat delusions than it is to deal with feelings of superiority. ( I would like a more concrete way to tell the difference in the two feelings. I can see where you are going, but as of now, it appears superiority and grandeur are almost one in the same.)
The effects are much easier to talk about. The least common, but worst, effect is hate crimes. These occur when people who believe they are in power abuse their supposed power. These are much mor common in big cities like chicago. Probably the most common is a feeling of hate or contempt among minorities. An example is my friend Manvith, he was so used to people belittling him that he began to hate those people and he devolped contempt for those who were indifferent to his situation. Luckily now he has more respect for people, I believe the reason he has gained this respect though, is because he met people who he could actually talk to about it. (Good. This confirms your point about how they need help.) I'm glad I am one of the people he talks to about those things.
Racism and stereotypes are the ones that I have the most experience with. My main example is when i first got to my highschool in cedar rapids everyone thought i was going to be just another dumb african american kid. Even when they saw me in advanced classes i still didn't have their respect. It caused me to try to figure out what was going on, and i realized that it was just the fact that they had only had contact with people who fit the stereotype of dumb african americans. I had hoped that they would be able to realize that some people would be the opposite of that stereotype but they had no idea that it was possible. It's not that they refused to believe that i was dumb, but that they could believe that they had met a smart african american kid. It makes me glad that i don't go to that school anymore.
There are a lot of things that can be done to combat inequality between races. Unfortunantly not many people want to do any of those things because they don't think that its a big deal. Among my friends I am one of the few who have actually tried to do something about it. The best thing to do when in a situation involving inequality is go out of your way to help those in need, no matter their predicimant. I think that no matter how much is done this problem will be around for a long time. (Why? Because it is such a big problem nobody wants to deal with?)
Mychal, I like your revisions here. I can see you had much more in-depth analysis of your topic and it makes for a more informative read. Do you notice, however, that the transitions from one paragraph to another aren't too smooth? Look at the end of paragraph three and the beginning of paragraph four. I would like to challenge you to make them flow together with a nice transition. I asked a little about the difference in grandeur and superiority and I think that is something we can discuss today. I appreciate the changes you made so far, and please note all my questions do not need to be answered. Those are more of a way to provoke your thought. If you feel it wouldn't make sense to answer the question, please do not worry about it. I just want you to get deeper into your text so that you can elaborate on some points.
Eryn Final Definition (posted RHS February 17 -- 171 February 19 ) There are very few things that can cause direct hatred, but inequality between is one of those things. There are two main causes; one being a feeling of superiority and the other being delusions of grandeur. There are many more effects unfortunantly; hate crimes, disdain and contempt among those of the minority, racism, and stereotypes. The reason i feel that this is a very important topic is because as long inequality exists so will hatred. And hatred is the starter of almost every problem in the world.
The causes i have listed require a little explanation. When i say a feeling of superiority what i mean is, that people from a race that is the majority where they live usually feel superior to those in the minority because they know that they will have better opportunities like an easier chance to get into college is a good example in my opinion. (I appreciate that you added the example "like an easier chance to get into college." I think this helps the reader know what you mean when you say opportunities. However, I don't find it necessary for you to say "in my opinion." Because of the way you wrote this entire paper, we as the reader can tell when you insert your opinion. If you mentally take out "in my opinion" when you read through the sentence, does it read smoother to you?)These feelings result in the majority doing nothing to help the minority out of trouble when neccesary. The lack of cooporation between the majority and minority could be considered another cause of inequality, but i would consider it part of a feeling of superiority.
This cause is extremely easy to explain. Delusions of grandeur are a lot harder to explain. What i mean when i talk about delusions of grandeur is when people think that it doesn't matter how they treat people because they believe that they are above everyone else to the point that it is even worse than a feeling of superiority, mostly because it can be diagnosed as a symptom of bipolar disorder. (This sentence is fairly long and wordy, which makes it difficult for me to understand. When you say "mostly because," what are you talking about? I would say you can cut these two thoughts into two separate sentences. One sentence could speak about the bipolar disorder and the other can speak about the difference in superiority and grandeur. This would allow you to talk more about bipolar disorder if you would like.) The reason it is worse is because people who feel this way usually have something that slightly validates their raised stature, the most often used validators are: class or occupation. When i say occupation i mean they feel that they worked harder for their job title so what other people say or think doesn't matter. What ever they use to validate their stature never validates their behavior. If they could understand that then it would reduce the inequality in the world drastically. I believe that it's much harder to combat delusions than it is to deal with feelings of superiority. (Is it more difficult because of the minor validation you speak of earlier in the paragraph? Does that make them more stubborn to change?) The effects are much easier to talk about. The least common, but worst, effect is hate crimes. These occur when people who believe they are in power abuse their supposed power. These are much mor common in big cities like chicago. Probably the most common is a feeling of hate or contempt among minorities. An example is my friend Manvith, he was so used to people belittling him that he began to hate those people and he devolped contempt for those who were indifferent to his situation. Luckily now he has more respect for people, I believe the reason he has gained this respect though, is because he met people who he could actually talk to about it. I'm glad I am one of the people he talks to about those things.
Racism and stereotypes are the ones (Ones what? Effects? Maybe you can clarify that here.) that I have the most experience with. My main example is when i first got to my highschool in cedar rapids everyone thought i was going to be just another dumb african american kid. Even when they saw me in advanced classes i still didn't have their respect. It caused me to try to figure out what was going on, and i realized that it was just the fact that they had only had contact with people who fit the stereotype of dumb african americans. I had hoped that they would be able to realize that some people would be the opposite of that stereotype but they had no idea that it was possible. It's not that they refused to believe that i was dumb, but that they could(n't?) believe that they had met a smart african american kid. It makes me glad that i don't go to that school anymore. (I like that you added the sentence where you wanted to figure out what was going on with the racism you experienced. This shows to the readers that you made an effort to find a solution to what you were experiencing.)
There are a lot of things that can be done to combat inequality between races. Unfortunantly not many people want to do any of those things because they don't think that its a big deal. Among my friends I am one of the few who have actually tried to do something about it. The best thing to do when in a situation involving inequality is go out of your way to help those in need, no matter their predicimant. I think that no matter how much is done this problem will be around for a long time, just because so many people don't know what to do about it. (Good. You now proposed a reason why you think the problem won't go away. That makes for a much more definite ending than you had in the past.)
Since you told me you want to be prepared to take the AP exam, I decided I am going to try to be more useful for you. I decided to point out more things on this final revision than I did in past revisions so that I can help you develop as a writer more in this short time we have to work together. As I noted in the second paragraph, since this piece is written by you and much of it states your opinion anyway, it isn't necessary to add "in my opinion." I understand you were doing that as a way to show the readers you were inserting you had not researched the "opportunities" but that you had thought about one yourself. I think that is perfectly fine to say "is a good example" to state your opinion. Again, I noticed you added some of the psychology information you told me about in our meeting (bipolar disorder). I like that you used another perspective by adding the bipolar piece, but maybe you can add more about it. If you are going to talk about bipolar disorder, why not explain it? You already brought it up - so embrace your sentence and integrate it in the rest of your explanation about grandeur.
I can see much more detail and explanation in racism from your first piece until your final draft. I hope I was able to help you in the writing process of this definition piece. I look forward to your future posts throughout this semester.
Reflection #1 (posted RHS February 20 -- 171 February 22)
Dear Eryn,
The due date on our reflection was pushed back
Thanks
Mychal
So in my cause in effect paper i think i did a good job at explaining myself, i do believe i have a lot of room to improve though. One thing that i would like more help with is improving my diction to make sure i get my point across better. I think the main problem i had with my paper was elaborating on some of my subjects, but i do think i did an okay job at that as well. All in all i think i did well on this paper, not as good as i could have, but good nonetheless. I do hope my next paper is even better than the last. Rough Draft Comparison (posted RHS February 24 -- 171 February 26 )
Dear Eryn,
Our teacher told us we could attempt an analogy comparison paper so thats what i'm going to do
Thanks,
Mychal
There are so many thing people have compared inequality between races to, i believe it is most comparable to a maze. The reason i say a maze is because when you get trapped within inequality, the way out becomes complex and very hard to find. And like a maze, inequality never seems to end but when it does a feeling joy is the only feeling (Is it the only feeling one can experience? What about exhaustion or accomplishment? Maybe explain why you believe joy is the main feeling) a person will experience. The main difference is that a maze isn't a normal thing to find or get caught up in. Inequality, on the other hand, is very common.
Exiting a maze and exiting inequality are very similar in the fact that they are both nigh on impossible to accomplish. (What kind of maze are you talking about here? Do you have any real-life examples for the reader?) The reason exiting a maze is hard is because the way out become very confusing and you have no way to track your progress. The reason exiting inequality is hard, which is similar to exiting a maze when you think about it, is because people rarely work together and there never seems to be an easy way to relieve yourself of the pressure of inequality. The easiest way to find the exit to a maze or inequality is hard work and determenation.
Have you ever done something you felt was impossible and only felt joy because you somehow completed it? Well thats how you would feel if you escaped a maze or inequality. Escaping a maze would feel like it took an unusual amount of time which is why joy is the only thing you can feel when you reach the end. Escaping inequality would instill joy in a person because they would as if all their hard work had finally paid off after all the time they spent working to get out. The joy a person feels from escaping either of these thing is sometimes the reasone people try to escape.
Now i know a maze seems like an unrealistic thing, but think about; school is a maze, life is like a maze as well (you say above that the "main difference is that a maze isn't a normal thing to find." However, you compare it life, the one thing we as humans all have in common. Is there another way to differentiate between a maze and inequality than that a maze is abnormal?). And inequality is a common thing, but not for everyone, for some people inequality doesn't seem like a real thing because they haven't been exposed to it. For most people though inequality is a real thing because they have been exposed to it, but haven't been caught up in it (What is "caught up"? Are these the people who have been discriminated against firsthand?). But getting caughting up in either a proverbial maze or inequality is a horrible thing for anyone to go through.
When it come down to it, everyone is caught in a maze, the proverbial maze that is life. And that maze just gets harder if you have to incorporate the maze that is inequality. But if you can escape the latter, the former becomes more of a path instead of a maze (Are there any other "mazes" other than inequality and life that would keep the maze of life from becoming a path?). And everyone would prefer a path to a maze. And a maze is just a path with a few hurdles to get over.
Mychal, I like your comparison here between mazes and inequality. I have to say I never thought of inequality in this light, and I appreciate that you are tackling such an abstract thought. As noted, above some things confused me about the comparison of a maze and of inequality. For instance, I would like to know more about the maze type you speak of. Are these the paper mazes we do when we are bored or are they something much more? I can't imagine someone feeling joy of finishing a paper maze, but I feel you are alluding to something more tangible like a real-life maze. Is this where the maze of life comes in? Also, I noticed an aspect that was a little unclear to me when you mentioned that mazes are not as common as inequality, but then said the maze of life is a common maze everyone goes through. Do you mean to say it in that way? Do you mean that inequality is more difficult of a maze, or maybe more severe? I would like to know more about that specific comparison.
Thanks, Mychal, for your post. I enjoy reading your writing. -Eryn Revision Comparison (posted RHS March 2 -- 171 March 4)
There are so many thing people have compared inequality between races to, i believe it is most comparable to a maze. The reason i say a maze is because when you get trapped within inequality, the way out becomes complex and very hard to find. And like a maze, inequality never seems to end but when it does a feeling joy is the only feeling a person will experience. A person would be tired or exhausted, but after completing the maze they would most likely ignore that feeling and concentrate on the joy of the accomplishment.The main difference is that a maze isn't a normal thing to find or get caught up in. Inequality, on the other hand, is very common.
Exiting a maze and exiting inequality are very similar in the fact that they are both nigh on impossible to accomplish. The reason exiting a maze is hard is because the way out become very confusing and you have no way to track your progress. The reason exiting inequality is hard, which is similar to exiting a maze when you think about it, is because people rarely work together and there never seems to be an easy way to relieve yourself of the pressure of inequality. The easiest way to find the exit to a maze or inequality is hard work and determenation.
Have you ever done something you felt was impossible and only felt joy because you somehow completed it? Well thats how you would feel if you escaped a maze or inequality. Escaping a maze would feel like it took an unusual amount of time which is why joy is the only thing you can feel when you reach the end. Escaping inequality would instill joy in a person because they would as if all their hard work had finally paid off after all the time they spent working to get out. The joy a person feels from escaping either of these thing is sometimes the reasone people try to escape.
Now i know a maze seems like an unrealistic thing, but think about; school is a maze, life is like a maze as well.And inequality is a common thing, but not for everyone, for some people inequality doesn't seem like a real thing because they haven't been exposed to it. And i know that i said a maze was abnormal to find, and i still consider it that because for some people, they don't have to worry about going through trouble in their lives..For most people though inequality is a real thing because they have been exposed to it, but haven't been caught up in it .But getting caught up in either a proverbial maze or inequality is a horrible thing for anyone to go through.
When it come down to it, everyone is caught in a maze, the proverbial maze that is life. And that maze just gets harder if you have to incorporate the maze that is inequality. But if you can escape the latter, the former becomes more of a path instead of a maze. And everyone would prefer a path to a maze. And a maze is just a path with a few hurdles to get over. I notice in much of this piece you use "and" to connect thoughts. In this last paragraph particularly, I want to make sure "and" is what you want to say. Are these thoughts connected to the extent that they can be put together? I feel you may be using "and" as a safety net. Sentences that connect well won't need this. I think we can make this flow better.
Mychal, I noticed you didn't make very many changes on this second version. Were you fairly happy with the work on your first draft? Did you want to make changes but didn't know what to change or didn't have time to change? I can help you with this when we meet tomorrow. I have basically the same comments on this piece as on the first. However, if you do not want to make those changes, that is fine. I can take a different approach. Eryn Final Comparison (posted RHS March 9 -- 171 March 11) I took your advice about adding in something about the path earlier in the essay, any other tips you could provide would be very helpful Thanks, Mychal
There are so many thing people have compared inequality between races to, I believe it is most comparable to a maze. The reason I say a maze is because when you get trapped within inequality, the way out becomes complex and very hard to find. And like a maze, inequality never seems to end but when it does a feeling joy is the only feeling a person will experience. A person would be tired or exhausted, but after completing the maze they would most likely ignore that feeling and concentrate on the joy of the accomplishment. The main difference is that a maze isn't a normal thing to find or get caught up in (Is this where you mean most people's lives are more of a path? Because below you say mazes are common and here you say they aren't normal. If it is that you mean a path here, would it be clearer to say so just so it doesn't seem like you are contradicting yourself?). Inequality, on the other hand, is very common.
Exiting a maze and exiting inequality are very similar in the fact that they are both nigh on impossible to accomplish. The reason exiting a maze is hard is because the way out become very confusing and you have no way to track your progress. The reason exiting inequality is hard, which is similar to exiting a maze when you think about it, is because people rarely work together and there never seems to be an easy way to relieve yourself of the pressure of inequality (Is this also similar in the fact that you can't track your progress?). The easiest way to find the exit to a maze or inequality is hard work and determination.
Have you ever done something you felt was impossible and only felt joy because you somehow completed it? Well that’s how you would feel if you escaped a maze or inequality. Escaping a maze would feel like it took an unusual (What do you mean by unusual? From our discussion it appears you mean an extremely long time. Would it make more sense to explain it in terms of length: short, long...etc?) amount of time which is why joy is the only thing you can feel when you reach the end. Escaping inequality would instill joy in a person because they would as if all their hard work had finally paid off after all the time they spent working to get out. The joy a person feels from escaping either of these thing is sometimes the reason people try to escape.
Now I know a maze seems like an unrealistic thing, but think about it; school is a maze, life is like a maze as well. And inequality is a common thing, but not for everyone, for some people inequality doesn't seem like a real thing because they haven't been exposed to it. I know that I said a maze was abnormal to find, and I still consider it that because some people don't have to worry about going through trouble in their lives. Those are the people whose life is less of a maze and more of a path; school would have been a breeze for them. For most people though inequality is a real thing because they have been exposed to it, but haven't been caught up in it. But getting caught up in either a proverbial maze or inequality is a horrible thing for anyone to go through.
When it comes down to it, everyone is caught in a maze, the proverbial maze that is life. That maze just gets harder if you have to incorporate the maze that is inequality. But if you can escape the latter, the former becomes more of a path instead of a maze. And everyone would prefer a path to a maze. And a maze is just a path with a few hurdles to get over. (You say earlier that mazes are difficult, but you state here that they are just paths with a few hurdles. Is is more complex than that or is it really just a few hurdles that make all the difference?)
Mychal, Thanks for posting this. I can definitely see a difference in the ending from what we talked about. However, I didn't realize this in last drafts, but I do see now that you say the only difference in a maze and a path is a few hurdles. Are these hurdles just some small hurdles? Or are they difficult hurdles that make a maze exponentially more difficult than a path? I know this may seem repetitive to you to cover this, but I think it will help strengthen your path/maze argument to address. This can also be addressed at the end of the first paragraph when I noticed something that appeared to be a contradiction. I know we already talked about this in person, but I would like to know why you say it isn't a normal thing. In paragraph three, you say, "Now I know a maze seems like an unrealistic thing, but think about it; school is a maze, life is like a maze as well." So are you saying mazes are normal to find? Or is this where you are talking about that many people have more of a path rather than a maze in life?
Also, I want to know what you mean by "unusual" in paragraph three. Why is this unusual? What makes the length of time appear to be unusual? Would it be much longer than expected, or would it be shorter? I think maybe you could clarify the term "unusual." Also, in paragraph two I see a good chance for a comparison. Are inequality and mazes similar in the fact that you can't track your progress? Or is it just a maze? If you feel this makes a good point in that paragraph, you could make a comparison or contrast of the two in that regard.
Thanks, Eryn
Reflection #2 (RHS March 16 -- 171 March 25)
Rough Draft Argument (posted RHS April 6 -- 171 April 8)
Life in school is extremely difficult, especially when you don't get the respect that you want or are faced with the inequality of a condescending majority (as in race? This could also mean income, social class, education, and so forth. Maybe you can explain what you mean by "majority" here.). I know some people might say that even if you do try to help people at school (with what? Overcoming the differences?), inequality will never stop. And that is my point, with an attitude like that inequality will never stop like they say, but if they changed their attitude huge amounts of progress could be made. Even if all they did was make a new kid feel more welcome at their school (that is not of the majority? Or any kid, even if they are of the majority?), which could help tremendously. And any little bit of progress is better than sitting idly by and letting it continue.
If you saw someone being excluded just because of their race, would you go out of you way to make them feel included? I ask this because there are a fair amount of people who wouldn't do anything, and they do this with no justification for their (non?)actions. There are even more people with false justifications for not doing anything, a false justification is an illogical reason for doing something. A good example of a false justification is not wanting to do something because it might affect your image or social standing. And if your image or social standing concern you that much (how much? That you don't want to step out and help someone else?), you probably aren't that good of a person in the first place.
I know that some people believe that if you treat people the way you want to be treated then you won't have to worry about people treating you poorly. Which is true but what if you treat others with respect and they don't return it in kind? Then there is nothing you can do except keep to yourself and make yourself an outcast (Is that the only thing? What about sticking with it and hoping for better eventually? Maybe something else also?). And that is the worst possible outcome of inequality at school. Even in my personal experiences, I can't think of anything worse than being that weird kid at school who always keeps to themselves.
Mychal, I like that you put your own experiences in this and made references back to school. I know this is an argument piece, which means you are supposed to take a stand and argue your stance. Is your stance to help those who need it, even if it takes someone out of his or her comfort zone? I see you taking a stand on part of this issue, but I am not 100% sure what you are arguing here. That doesn't mean it isn't worth arguing, because I can tell this is something important to you and that you feel strongly about it. I assume you are taking this from your perspective of being the "new kid" at school. I would even suggest maybe putting an example of this inequality with your own experience. This would make your argument more solid in my mind because I can better picture what your argument is.
So far, I like where you are going with this, and I would like to see you put much more into it. I can tell your ideas are much more developed than in past essays (although a little shorter), but it is good so far.
Thanks, Eryn Revision Argument (posted RHS April 13 -- 171 April 15)
Life in school is extremely difficult, especially when you don't get the respect that you want or are faced with the inequality of a condescending majority group (race or any other). I know some people might say that even if you do try to help people at school who have to deal with negativity directed towards them from a majority group, inequality will never stop. And that is my point, with an attitude like that inequality will never stop like they say, but if they changed their attitude huge amounts of progress could be made. Even if all they did was make a new kid feel more welcome at their school, which could help tremendously. And any little bit of progress is better than sitting idly by and letting it continue.
If you saw someone being excluded just because of their race, would you go out of you way to make them feel included? I ask this because there are a fair amount of people who wouldn't do anything, and they do this with no justification for their lack of action. There are even more people with false justifications for not doing anything, a false justification is an illogical reason for doing something. A good example of a false justification is not wanting to do something because it might affect your image or social standing. And if your image or social standing concern you that much, you probably aren't that good of a person in the first place.
I know that some people believe that if you treat people the way you want to be treated then you won't have to worry about people treating you poorly. Which is true but what if you treat others with respect and they don't return it in kind? Then there is nothing you can do except keep to yourself and make yourself an outcast. And that is the worst possible outcome of inequality at school. Even in my personal experiences, I can't think of anything worse than being that weird kid at school who always keeps to themselves.
Eryn,
I didn't really now what to add in here even though it still feels kind of vague to me, not sure what to do about that.
Thanks,
Mychal
Final Argument (posted RHS April 20 -- 171 April 23)
Hello Mychal,
My name is Eryn Swain and I am going to be working with you this semester. I am currently a junior studying marketing and writing. I have changed my majors around six times (or so) because I love to learn and it is hard for me to pigeonhole myself into one section. I think marketing and writing are the correct majors for me. After I graduate, I would love to stay in Des Moines and continue with my job at Meredith Corporation. I am from Springfield, Missouri, which is about a 5 hour drive straight south of Des Moines. I love to bake, read, write, bowl, and (of course!) sleep. Also, I have an identical twin sister who goes to Drake with me and we are practically inseparable.
As far as my writing goes, I was always told I am a decent writer. I never thought too much about it, but I knew I loved to write. If I was good, that was just icing on the cake. Once I got into college, I soon realized I am not as great of a writer as I was once told. There is still so much for me to learn but I enjoy making the mistakes that allow me to learn. I would love to hear more about you and your expectations of this semester.
Thanks,
Eryn
Hello Eryn,
My Name is Mychal Jackson (pronounced liked the singer) I'm glad to be working with you this semester. I am a sophmore and I'm new to the city. I plan attending Morehouse College in Atlanta, GA when i graduate. I also plan to pursue a medical career, hopefully a surgeon. I am from Minneapolis but Des Moines is the sixth city I've lived in and Iowa is the fifth state. I like to write fiction/fantasy stories, read, listen to music, play tennis, sleep, and hanging out with friends.
When it comes to writing, I've been told i have great ideas but very few people have read any of my stories. I have never thought of myself as a good writer, but I like to think i have potential. I know that compared to a college student my skills would be mediocre. I hope that with the type of papers i will be writing this semester it will help me become a better writer and story teller.
Thanks,
Mychal
Mychal,
Awesome name. You seem to have many aspirations and I admire you having an idea where you want to attend college. I didn't know as a sophomore. I am excited to read these good ideas of yours and I look forward to meeting you in the coming weeks. As far as mediocre work goes, don't ever think your work is mediocre. Sometimes the ideas (like you have) are everything. Don't be your own toughest critic. :)
Personal Reflection on Topic of Inquiry(posted RHS January 27 -- 171 January 29)
Mychal,
I have been looking for your post the past few days and I see you have still not posted. Are you having problems finishing your piece? Please also remember that you have something else due this Friday, the 5th. Part of my job is to read over your work and give feedback, however, I can't do that if you don't do your part. I am willing to help you as needed, but I would really appreciate you posting some work so that we can both benefit by being able to do our parts of this partnership. It is okay if you don't think your piece is "done" or if you are stuck, because I can help you get past those hurdles. I am not expecting perfect work everytime you post, but I am expecting you to post at least something on or around your due date. Otherwise, I will be of no help to you and your writing.
Thanks,
Eryn
Dear Eryn,
Don't bother reading this, i'm sorry i didn't post this but its kind of chaotic balancing all my classes and by the time i did go to post it i had to do my rough draft and totally forgot about it.
Mychal
What makes someone a lesser person than someone else? Is it class or occupation? I believe it is something else, I think its a persons mindset that makes them believe others are inferior or superior to them. This mindset is what creates inequality, and it isn't easy to deal with. If it was i wouldn't be using this as my topic of inquiry.
Inequality is the limiting reactant of progress, you can only go as far as equality will let you. I know that sounds like a negative way to think about it, but the evidence is very clear.
An example is in companies in predominantly white areas, whites are more prone to getting promotions than minorities and if you can't get a promotion then you don't have that good of a chance to make something of yourself. Some people are in the postion to remove themselves from situations like that, but so many aren't that it makes it seem amazing when someone does get out of it. But everyone loves a good success story.
Most people have the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mentality about inequality, which is a great way to view it. There are a few exceptions though, certain things that can't kill you like not being able to pay bills don't make you stronger but they do weaken your mental resolve. And weakening someones mental resolve really feeds that feeling of inequality. Some people do things like that out of spite for another person, but others don't realize what they're doing until its too late. The people who do it out of spite are the kind of people i really hate.
I guess what i've been getting at this whole time is, inequality is not always a persons fault but most of the time its easy to blame someone. And blaming someone is what most people do instead of taking action. Even though taking action is the right thing to do, there usually isn't much that can be done. When there is most people don't hesitate to do what must be done. Even if what must be done may have consequences.
Rough Draft Definition (posted RHS February 3 -- 171 February 5)
Dear Eryn,
My teacher has told me that i can write a cause and effect essay instead (thanks for letting me know. I was a little confused at first.)
Thanks
There are very few things that can cause direct hatred, but inequality between is one of those things. There are a two main causes (of the inequality or of the hatred? I guess since you say they go hand-in-hand later on it can be either or both); one being a feeling of superiority and the other being delusions (delusions=great word) of grandeur. There are many more effects unfortunantly; hate crimes, disdain and contempt among those of the minority, racism, and stereotypes. The reason i feel that this is a very important topic is because as long inequality exists so will hatred. And hatred is the starter of almost every problem in the world.
The causes i have listed require a little explanation. When i say a feeling of superiority what i mean is, that people from a race that is the majority where they live usually feel superior to those in the minority because they know that they will have better opportunities (such as? I get it but I would love to hear some ideas you know of) . These feelings result in the majority doing nothing to help the minority out of trouble when neccesary. The lack of cooporation between the majority and minority could be considered another cause of inequality, but i would consider it part of a feeling of superiority. This cause is extremely easy to explain.
Delusions of grandeur are a lot harder to explain. What i mean when i talk about delusions of grandeur is when people think that it doesn't matter how they treat people because they believe that they are above everyone else to the point that it is even worse than a feeling of superiority. The reason it is worse is because people who feel this way usually have something that slightly validates their raised stature. What ever they use to validate their stature never validates their behavior. (Is this race, class, etc? that you talk about later?) If they could understand that then it would reduce the inequality in the world drastically. I believe that it's much harder to combat delusions than it is to deal with feelings of superiority.
The effects are much easier to talk about. The least common, but worst, effect is hate crimes. These occur when people who believe they are in power abuse their supposed power. These are much mor common in big cities like chicago. Probably the most common is a feeling of hate or contempt among minorities. An example is my friend Manvith, he was so used to people belittling him that he began to hate those people and he devolped contempt for those who were indifferent to his situation. Luckily now he has more respect for people. (What caused this respect? Did the people finally come around or did he have to forget about them?)
Racism and stereotypes are the ones that I have the most experience with. My main example is when i first got to my highschool in cedar rapids everyone thought i was going to be just another dumb african american kid. Even when they saw me in advanced classes i still didn't have their respect. It caused me to try to figure out what was going on, and i realized that it was just the fact that they had only had contact with people who fit the stereotype of dumb african americans. I had hoped that they would be able to realize that some people would be the opposite of that stereotype but they had no idea that it was possible. (So they refused to believe you were not dumb?) It makes me glad that i don't go to that school anymore.
There are a lot of things that can be done to combat inequality between races. Unfortunantly not many people want to do any of those things because they don't think that its a big deal. Among my friends I am one of the few who have actually tried to do something about it. The best thing to do when in a situation involving inequality is go out of your way to help those in need.(Those being bullied or discriminated against?) I think that no matter how much is done this problem will be around for a long time.
Mychal,
I appreciate the long thought and depth you put into this piece. I can see just how important this subject is to you based on the strong voice you have in the essay. The notes I made were suggestions of expansion or places I found a little unclear. For instance, at the end, I would love to know more about those in "need." I am sure there are many types of people who face this inequality, but I believe you are talking about the African American race the entire time. Maybe explain that a little more? I like that you have two different levels of causes and explain them so in-depth. I feel it is important to explain the causes well so that you have a nice basis for the effects. I really think you have some great ideas in this piece. For what basis you have, I do like that you have put yourself into the piece. I think your experiences are probably the largest chunk of importance in the piece. If you have any questions, or need any help, just let me know! I think you are off to a wonderful start.
Eryn
Revision Definition (posted RHS February 10 -- 171 February 12 )
There are very few things that can cause direct hatred, but inequality between is one of those things. There are a two main causes (of the inequality or of the hatred? I guess since you say they go hand-in-hand later on it can be either or both); one being a feeling of superiority and the other being delusions of grandeur. There are many more effects unfortunantly; hate crimes, disdain and contempt among those of the minority, racism, and stereotypes. The reason i feel that this is a very important topic is because as long inequality exists so will hatred. And hatred is the starter of almost every problem in the world.
The causes i have listed require a little explanation. When i say a feeling of superiority what i mean is, that people from a race that is the majority where they live usually feel superior to those in the minority because they know that they will have better opportunities like an easier chance to get into college is a good example in my opinion. (Good. I like the example.) . These feelings result in the majority doing nothing to help the minority out of trouble when neccesary. The lack of cooporation between the majority and minority could be considered another cause of inequality, but i would consider it part of a feeling of superiority.
This cause is extremely easy to explain. Delusions of grandeur are a lot harder to explain. What i mean when i talk about delusions of grandeur is when people think that it doesn't matter how they treat people because they believe that they are above everyone else to the point that it is even worse than a feeling of superiority. The reason it is worse is because people who feel this way usually have something that slightly validates their raised stature, the most often used validators are: class or occupation. When i say occupation i mean they feel that they worked harder for their job title so what other people say or think doesn't matter. What ever they use to validate their stature never validates their behavior. If they could understand that then it would reduce the inequality in the world drastically. I believe that it's much harder to combat delusions than it is to deal with feelings of superiority. ( I would like a more concrete way to tell the difference in the two feelings. I can see where you are going, but as of now, it appears superiority and grandeur are almost one in the same.)
The effects are much easier to talk about. The least common, but worst, effect is hate crimes. These occur when people who believe they are in power abuse their supposed power. These are much mor common in big cities like chicago. Probably the most common is a feeling of hate or contempt among minorities. An example is my friend Manvith, he was so used to people belittling him that he began to hate those people and he devolped contempt for those who were indifferent to his situation. Luckily now he has more respect for people, I believe the reason he has gained this respect though, is because he met people who he could actually talk to about it. (Good. This confirms your point about how they need help.) I'm glad I am one of the people he talks to about those things.
Racism and stereotypes are the ones that I have the most experience with. My main example is when i first got to my highschool in cedar rapids everyone thought i was going to be just another dumb african american kid. Even when they saw me in advanced classes i still didn't have their respect. It caused me to try to figure out what was going on, and i realized that it was just the fact that they had only had contact with people who fit the stereotype of dumb african americans. I had hoped that they would be able to realize that some people would be the opposite of that stereotype but they had no idea that it was possible. It's not that they refused to believe that i was dumb, but that they could believe that they had met a smart african american kid. It makes me glad that i don't go to that school anymore.
There are a lot of things that can be done to combat inequality between races. Unfortunantly not many people want to do any of those things because they don't think that its a big deal. Among my friends I am one of the few who have actually tried to do something about it. The best thing to do when in a situation involving inequality is go out of your way to help those in need, no matter their predicimant. I think that no matter how much is done this problem will be around for a long time. (Why? Because it is such a big problem nobody wants to deal with?)
Mychal,
I like your revisions here. I can see you had much more in-depth analysis of your topic and it makes for a more informative read. Do you notice, however, that the transitions from one paragraph to another aren't too smooth? Look at the end of paragraph three and the beginning of paragraph four. I would like to challenge you to make them flow together with a nice transition. I asked a little about the difference in grandeur and superiority and I think that is something we can discuss today. I appreciate the changes you made so far, and please note all my questions do not need to be answered. Those are more of a way to provoke your thought. If you feel it wouldn't make sense to answer the question, please do not worry about it. I just want you to get deeper into your text so that you can elaborate on some points.
Eryn
Final Definition (posted RHS February 17 -- 171 February 19 )
There are very few things that can cause direct hatred, but inequality between is one of those things. There are two main causes; one being a feeling of superiority and the other being delusions of grandeur. There are many more effects unfortunantly; hate crimes, disdain and contempt among those of the minority, racism, and stereotypes. The reason i feel that this is a very important topic is because as long inequality exists so will hatred. And hatred is the starter of almost every problem in the world.
The causes i have listed require a little explanation. When i say a feeling of superiority what i mean is, that people from a race that is the majority where they live usually feel superior to those in the minority because they know that they will have better opportunities like an easier chance to get into college is a good example in my opinion. (I appreciate that you added the example "like an easier chance to get into college." I think this helps the reader know what you mean when you say opportunities. However, I don't find it necessary for you to say "in my opinion." Because of the way you wrote this entire paper, we as the reader can tell when you insert your opinion. If you mentally take out "in my opinion" when you read through the sentence, does it read smoother to you?)These feelings result in the majority doing nothing to help the minority out of trouble when neccesary. The lack of cooporation between the majority and minority could be considered another cause of inequality, but i would consider it part of a feeling of superiority.
This cause is extremely easy to explain. Delusions of grandeur are a lot harder to explain. What i mean when i talk about delusions of grandeur is when people think that it doesn't matter how they treat people because they believe that they are above everyone else to the point that it is even worse than a feeling of superiority, mostly because it can be diagnosed as a symptom of bipolar disorder. (This sentence is fairly long and wordy, which makes it difficult for me to understand. When you say "mostly because," what are you talking about? I would say you can cut these two thoughts into two separate sentences. One sentence could speak about the bipolar disorder and the other can speak about the difference in superiority and grandeur. This would allow you to talk more about bipolar disorder if you would like.) The reason it is worse is because people who feel this way usually have something that slightly validates their raised stature, the most often used validators are: class or occupation. When i say occupation i mean they feel that they worked harder for their job title so what other people say or think doesn't matter. What ever they use to validate their stature never validates their behavior. If they could understand that then it would reduce the inequality in the world drastically. I believe that it's much harder to combat delusions than it is to deal with feelings of superiority. (Is it more difficult because of the minor validation you speak of earlier in the paragraph? Does that make them more stubborn to change?)
The effects are much easier to talk about. The least common, but worst, effect is hate crimes. These occur when people who believe they are in power abuse their supposed power. These are much mor common in big cities like chicago. Probably the most common is a feeling of hate or contempt among minorities. An example is my friend Manvith, he was so used to people belittling him that he began to hate those people and he devolped contempt for those who were indifferent to his situation. Luckily now he has more respect for people, I believe the reason he has gained this respect though, is because he met people who he could actually talk to about it. I'm glad I am one of the people he talks to about those things.
Racism and stereotypes are the ones (Ones what? Effects? Maybe you can clarify that here.) that I have the most experience with. My main example is when i first got to my highschool in cedar rapids everyone thought i was going to be just another dumb african american kid. Even when they saw me in advanced classes i still didn't have their respect. It caused me to try to figure out what was going on, and i realized that it was just the fact that they had only had contact with people who fit the stereotype of dumb african americans. I had hoped that they would be able to realize that some people would be the opposite of that stereotype but they had no idea that it was possible. It's not that they refused to believe that i was dumb, but that they could(n't?) believe that they had met a smart african american kid. It makes me glad that i don't go to that school anymore. (I like that you added the sentence where you wanted to figure out what was going on with the racism you experienced. This shows to the readers that you made an effort to find a solution to what you were experiencing.)
There are a lot of things that can be done to combat inequality between races. Unfortunantly not many people want to do any of those things because they don't think that its a big deal. Among my friends I am one of the few who have actually tried to do something about it. The best thing to do when in a situation involving inequality is go out of your way to help those in need, no matter their predicimant. I think that no matter how much is done this problem will be around for a long time, just because so many people don't know what to do about it. (Good. You now proposed a reason why you think the problem won't go away. That makes for a much more definite ending than you had in the past.)
Since you told me you want to be prepared to take the AP exam, I decided I am going to try to be more useful for you. I decided to point out more things on this final revision than I did in past revisions so that I can help you develop as a writer more in this short time we have to work together. As I noted in the second paragraph, since this piece is written by you and much of it states your opinion anyway, it isn't necessary to add "in my opinion." I understand you were doing that as a way to show the readers you were inserting you had not researched the "opportunities" but that you had thought about one yourself. I think that is perfectly fine to say "is a good example" to state your opinion. Again, I noticed you added some of the psychology information you told me about in our meeting (bipolar disorder). I like that you used another perspective by adding the bipolar piece, but maybe you can add more about it. If you are going to talk about bipolar disorder, why not explain it? You already brought it up - so embrace your sentence and integrate it in the rest of your explanation about grandeur.
I can see much more detail and explanation in racism from your first piece until your final draft. I hope I was able to help you in the writing process of this definition piece. I look forward to your future posts throughout this semester.
Reflection #1 (posted RHS February 20 -- 171 February 22)
Dear Eryn,
The due date on our reflection was pushed back
Thanks
Mychal
So in my cause in effect paper i think i did a good job at explaining myself, i do believe i have a lot of room to improve though. One thing that i would like more help with is improving my diction to make sure i get my point across better. I think the main problem i had with my paper was elaborating on some of my subjects, but i do think i did an okay job at that as well. All in all i think i did well on this paper, not as good as i could have, but good nonetheless. I do hope my next paper is even better than the last.
Rough Draft Comparison (posted RHS February 24 -- 171 February 26 )
Dear Eryn,
Our teacher told us we could attempt an analogy comparison paper so thats what i'm going to do
Thanks,
Mychal
There are so many thing people have compared inequality between races to, i believe it is most comparable to a maze. The reason i say a maze is because when you get trapped within inequality, the way out becomes complex and very hard to find. And like a maze, inequality never seems to end but when it does a feeling joy is the only feeling (Is it the only feeling one can experience? What about exhaustion or accomplishment? Maybe explain why you believe joy is the main feeling) a person will experience. The main difference is that a maze isn't a normal thing to find or get caught up in. Inequality, on the other hand, is very common.
Exiting a maze and exiting inequality are very similar in the fact that they are both nigh on impossible to accomplish. (What kind of maze are you talking about here? Do you have any real-life examples for the reader?) The reason exiting a maze is hard is because the way out become very confusing and you have no way to track your progress. The reason exiting inequality is hard, which is similar to exiting a maze when you think about it, is because people rarely work together and there never seems to be an easy way to relieve yourself of the pressure of inequality. The easiest way to find the exit to a maze or inequality is hard work and determenation.
Have you ever done something you felt was impossible and only felt joy because you somehow completed it? Well thats how you would feel if you escaped a maze or inequality. Escaping a maze would feel like it took an unusual amount of time which is why joy is the only thing you can feel when you reach the end. Escaping inequality would instill joy in a person because they would as if all their hard work had finally paid off after all the time they spent working to get out. The joy a person feels from escaping either of these thing is sometimes the reasone people try to escape.
Now i know a maze seems like an unrealistic thing, but think about; school is a maze, life is like a maze as well (you say above that the "main difference is that a maze isn't a normal thing to find." However, you compare it life, the one thing we as humans all have in common. Is there another way to differentiate between a maze and inequality than that a maze is abnormal?). And inequality is a common thing, but not for everyone, for some people inequality doesn't seem like a real thing because they haven't been exposed to it. For most people though inequality is a real thing because they have been exposed to it, but haven't been caught up in it (What is "caught up"? Are these the people who have been discriminated against firsthand?). But getting caughting up in either a proverbial maze or inequality is a horrible thing for anyone to go through.
When it come down to it, everyone is caught in a maze, the proverbial maze that is life. And that maze just gets harder if you have to incorporate the maze that is inequality. But if you can escape the latter, the former becomes more of a path instead of a maze (Are there any other "mazes" other than inequality and life that would keep the maze of life from becoming a path?). And everyone would prefer a path to a maze. And a maze is just a path with a few hurdles to get over.
Mychal,
I like your comparison here between mazes and inequality. I have to say I never thought of inequality in this light, and I appreciate that you are tackling such an abstract thought. As noted, above some things confused me about the comparison of a maze and of inequality. For instance, I would like to know more about the maze type you speak of. Are these the paper mazes we do when we are bored or are they something much more? I can't imagine someone feeling joy of finishing a paper maze, but I feel you are alluding to something more tangible like a real-life maze. Is this where the maze of life comes in? Also, I noticed an aspect that was a little unclear to me when you mentioned that mazes are not as common as inequality, but then said the maze of life is a common maze everyone goes through. Do you mean to say it in that way? Do you mean that inequality is more difficult of a maze, or maybe more severe? I would like to know more about that specific comparison.
Thanks, Mychal, for your post. I enjoy reading your writing.
-Eryn
Revision Comparison (posted RHS March 2 -- 171 March 4)
There are so many thing people have compared inequality between races to, i believe it is most comparable to a maze. The reason i say a maze is because when you get trapped within inequality, the way out becomes complex and very hard to find. And like a maze, inequality never seems to end but when it does a feeling joy is the only feeling a person will experience. A person would be tired or exhausted, but after completing the maze they would most likely ignore that feeling and concentrate on the joy of the accomplishment.The main difference is that a maze isn't a normal thing to find or get caught up in. Inequality, on the other hand, is very common.
Exiting a maze and exiting inequality are very similar in the fact that they are both nigh on impossible to accomplish. The reason exiting a maze is hard is because the way out become very confusing and you have no way to track your progress. The reason exiting inequality is hard, which is similar to exiting a maze when you think about it, is because people rarely work together and there never seems to be an easy way to relieve yourself of the pressure of inequality. The easiest way to find the exit to a maze or inequality is hard work and determenation.
Have you ever done something you felt was impossible and only felt joy because you somehow completed it? Well thats how you would feel if you escaped a maze or inequality. Escaping a maze would feel like it took an unusual amount of time which is why joy is the only thing you can feel when you reach the end. Escaping inequality would instill joy in a person because they would as if all their hard work had finally paid off after all the time they spent working to get out. The joy a person feels from escaping either of these thing is sometimes the reasone people try to escape.
Now i know a maze seems like an unrealistic thing, but think about; school is a maze, life is like a maze as well.And inequality is a common thing, but not for everyone, for some people inequality doesn't seem like a real thing because they haven't been exposed to it. And i know that i said a maze was abnormal to find, and i still consider it that because for some people, they don't have to worry about going through trouble in their lives..For most people though inequality is a real thing because they have been exposed to it, but haven't been caught up in it .But getting caught up in either a proverbial maze or inequality is a horrible thing for anyone to go through.
When it come down to it, everyone is caught in a maze, the proverbial maze that is life. And that maze just gets harder if you have to incorporate the maze that is inequality. But if you can escape the latter, the former becomes more of a path instead of a maze. And everyone would prefer a path to a maze. And a maze is just a path with a few hurdles to get over. I notice in much of this piece you use "and" to connect thoughts. In this last paragraph particularly, I want to make sure "and" is what you want to say. Are these thoughts connected to the extent that they can be put together? I feel you may be using "and" as a safety net. Sentences that connect well won't need this. I think we can make this flow better.
Mychal,
I noticed you didn't make very many changes on this second version. Were you fairly happy with the work on your first draft? Did you want to make changes but didn't know what to change or didn't have time to change? I can help you with this when we meet tomorrow. I have basically the same comments on this piece as on the first. However, if you do not want to make those changes, that is fine. I can take a different approach.
Eryn
Final Comparison (posted RHS March 9 -- 171 March 11)
I took your advice about adding in something about the path earlier in the essay, any other tips you could provide would be very helpful
Thanks,
Mychal
There are so many thing people have compared inequality between races to, I believe it is most comparable to a maze. The reason I say a maze is because when you get trapped within inequality, the way out becomes complex and very hard to find. And like a maze, inequality never seems to end but when it does a feeling joy is the only feeling a person will experience. A person would be tired or exhausted, but after completing the maze they would most likely ignore that feeling and concentrate on the joy of the accomplishment. The main difference is that a maze isn't a normal thing to find or get caught up in (Is this where you mean most people's lives are more of a path? Because below you say mazes are common and here you say they aren't normal. If it is that you mean a path here, would it be clearer to say so just so it doesn't seem like you are contradicting yourself?). Inequality, on the other hand, is very common.
Exiting a maze and exiting inequality are very similar in the fact that they are both nigh on impossible to accomplish. The reason exiting a maze is hard is because the way out become very confusing and you have no way to track your progress. The reason exiting inequality is hard, which is similar to exiting a maze when you think about it, is because people rarely work together and there never seems to be an easy way to relieve yourself of the pressure of inequality (Is this also similar in the fact that you can't track your progress?). The easiest way to find the exit to a maze or inequality is hard work and determination.
Have you ever done something you felt was impossible and only felt joy because you somehow completed it? Well that’s how you would feel if you escaped a maze or inequality. Escaping a maze would feel like it took an unusual (What do you mean by unusual? From our discussion it appears you mean an extremely long time. Would it make more sense to explain it in terms of length: short, long...etc?) amount of time which is why joy is the only thing you can feel when you reach the end. Escaping inequality would instill joy in a person because they would as if all their hard work had finally paid off after all the time they spent working to get out. The joy a person feels from escaping either of these thing is sometimes the reason people try to escape.
Now I know a maze seems like an unrealistic thing, but think about it; school is a maze, life is like a maze as well. And inequality is a common thing, but not for everyone, for some people inequality doesn't seem like a real thing because they haven't been exposed to it. I know that I said a maze was abnormal to find, and I still consider it that because some people don't have to worry about going through trouble in their lives. Those are the people whose life is less of a maze and more of a path; school would have been a breeze for them. For most people though inequality is a real thing because they have been exposed to it, but haven't been caught up in it. But getting caught up in either a proverbial maze or inequality is a horrible thing for anyone to go through.
When it comes down to it, everyone is caught in a maze, the proverbial maze that is life. That maze just gets harder if you have to incorporate the maze that is inequality. But if you can escape the latter, the former becomes more of a path instead of a maze. And everyone would prefer a path to a maze. And a maze is just a path with a few hurdles to get over. (You say earlier that mazes are difficult, but you state here that they are just paths with a few hurdles. Is is more complex than that or is it really just a few hurdles that make all the difference?)
Mychal,
Thanks for posting this. I can definitely see a difference in the ending from what we talked about. However, I didn't realize this in last drafts, but I do see now that you say the only difference in a maze and a path is a few hurdles. Are these hurdles just some small hurdles? Or are they difficult hurdles that make a maze exponentially more difficult than a path? I know this may seem repetitive to you to cover this, but I think it will help strengthen your path/maze argument to address. This can also be addressed at the end of the first paragraph when I noticed something that appeared to be a contradiction. I know we already talked about this in person, but I would like to know why you say it isn't a normal thing. In paragraph three, you say, "Now I know a maze seems like an unrealistic thing, but think about it; school is a maze, life is like a maze as well." So are you saying mazes are normal to find? Or is this where you are talking about that many people have more of a path rather than a maze in life?
Also, I want to know what you mean by "unusual" in paragraph three. Why is this unusual? What makes the length of time appear to be unusual? Would it be much longer than expected, or would it be shorter? I think maybe you could clarify the term "unusual." Also, in paragraph two I see a good chance for a comparison. Are inequality and mazes similar in the fact that you can't track your progress? Or is it just a maze? If you feel this makes a good point in that paragraph, you could make a comparison or contrast of the two in that regard.
Thanks,
Eryn
Reflection #2 (RHS March 16 -- 171 March 25)
Rough Draft Argument (posted RHS April 6 -- 171 April 8)
Life in school is extremely difficult, especially when you don't get the respect that you want or are faced with the inequality of a condescending majority (as in race? This could also mean income, social class, education, and so forth. Maybe you can explain what you mean by "majority" here.). I know some people might say that even if you do try to help people at school (with what? Overcoming the differences?), inequality will never stop. And that is my point, with an attitude like that inequality will never stop like they say, but if they changed their attitude huge amounts of progress could be made. Even if all they did was make a new kid feel more welcome at their school (that is not of the majority? Or any kid, even if they are of the majority?), which could help tremendously. And any little bit of progress is better than sitting idly by and letting it continue.
If you saw someone being excluded just because of their race, would you go out of you way to make them feel included? I ask this because there are a fair amount of people who wouldn't do anything, and they do this with no justification for their (non?)actions. There are even more people with false justifications for not doing anything, a false justification is an illogical reason for doing something. A good example of a false justification is not wanting to do something because it might affect your image or social standing. And if your image or social standing concern you that much (how much? That you don't want to step out and help someone else?), you probably aren't that good of a person in the first place.
I know that some people believe that if you treat people the way you want to be treated then you won't have to worry about people treating you poorly. Which is true but what if you treat others with respect and they don't return it in kind? Then there is nothing you can do except keep to yourself and make yourself an outcast (Is that the only thing? What about sticking with it and hoping for better eventually? Maybe something else also?). And that is the worst possible outcome of inequality at school. Even in my personal experiences, I can't think of anything worse than being that weird kid at school who always keeps to themselves.
Mychal,
I like that you put your own experiences in this and made references back to school. I know this is an argument piece, which means you are supposed to take a stand and argue your stance. Is your stance to help those who need it, even if it takes someone out of his or her comfort zone? I see you taking a stand on part of this issue, but I am not 100% sure what you are arguing here. That doesn't mean it isn't worth arguing, because I can tell this is something important to you and that you feel strongly about it. I assume you are taking this from your perspective of being the "new kid" at school. I would even suggest maybe putting an example of this inequality with your own experience. This would make your argument more solid in my mind because I can better picture what your argument is.
So far, I like where you are going with this, and I would like to see you put much more into it. I can tell your ideas are much more developed than in past essays (although a little shorter), but it is good so far.
Thanks,
Eryn
Revision Argument (posted RHS April 13 -- 171 April 15)
Life in school is extremely difficult, especially when you don't get the respect that you want or are faced with the inequality of a condescending majority group (race or any other). I know some people might say that even if you do try to help people at school who have to deal with negativity directed towards them from a majority group, inequality will never stop. And that is my point, with an attitude like that inequality will never stop like they say, but if they changed their attitude huge amounts of progress could be made. Even if all they did was make a new kid feel more welcome at their school, which could help tremendously. And any little bit of progress is better than sitting idly by and letting it continue.
If you saw someone being excluded just because of their race, would you go out of you way to make them feel included? I ask this because there are a fair amount of people who wouldn't do anything, and they do this with no justification for their lack of action. There are even more people with false justifications for not doing anything, a false justification is an illogical reason for doing something. A good example of a false justification is not wanting to do something because it might affect your image or social standing. And if your image or social standing concern you that much, you probably aren't that good of a person in the first place.
I know that some people believe that if you treat people the way you want to be treated then you won't have to worry about people treating you poorly. Which is true but what if you treat others with respect and they don't return it in kind? Then there is nothing you can do except keep to yourself and make yourself an outcast. And that is the worst possible outcome of inequality at school. Even in my personal experiences, I can't think of anything worse than being that weird kid at school who always keeps to themselves.
Eryn,
I didn't really now what to add in here even though it still feels kind of vague to me, not sure what to do about that.
Thanks,
Mychal
Final Argument (posted RHS April 20 -- 171 April 23)
Reflection #3 (posted RHS April 23)
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